Today, I find that I have to ask that question again, "Will you still love the LORD, if you don't get this house?" We've been waiting since February for the seller's bank to approve our offer so that we can buy a house that we really feel like God wants to bless us with... but then again, is that my own desire or is it really God's blessing? I find myself questioning whether it's really God's blessing or just my own desire that I want so much that I "feel" like it's God's blessing, does that make sense?
Last summer we felt God closing the door on our ministry with Wycliffe and our dream of living in Dallas and working with Wycliffe after 4 years of trying to raise our support team... I was grieving and wondering why this was happening and now I find myself questioning God's will or blessings for me all the time... I find I have to ask if it's really God's will for me or if it's my own strong desire that I'm making it "God's will" for me.
So, I find myself asking that question now, "If we don't have_________, will I still love the LORD?" If we don't get the house that we "think" is God's blessing, will we still love the LORD? If we have to stay in this apartment and pay rent, will we still love the LORD? If the LORD were to take everything away from me, will I still love the LORD? Hmm... makes me think I have a lot of work to grow my relationship with Christ to get to that point where I really would still love the LORD with all my heart, mind and strength no matter what.
It makes me think of this song that I consider to be my life song... it was the song I sang when I put Moriah and Isaac on the alter before they were even conceived... it was the song I sang (well sorta sang, it's not easy to sing when you're balling your eyes out) during each of our miscarriages... it was the song that helped me get through the grieving process of resigning from Wycliffe Bible Translators... it's the song I need to sing today while we wait to find out if we will be owning a house or renting our apartment...
Blessed Be Your Name - Matt Redman
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
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4 comments:
Beautiful post, Heather. I love that song.
I love that song too :)
What a great post to make you think.
Of course you know that that song was taken from that verse in Job (forgive me for being too tired/lazy to look it up)... "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. May the name of the Lord be praised."
We chose Nathaniel's name AFTER we were given his T18 diagnosis. Nathaniel means "God has given" and his middle name, Achaziah, means "God has taken".
He would be three and a half now and I still can't get through that song without crying.
I'm Amy&Peter at TBW, by the way. ;)
Thanks for sharing this beautiful, intimate portrait of your heart and your struggles. I've been there. I AM there. Right now with Tim's job search, this crossroads is exactly where we've set up camp for going on four months now.
It was encouraging to see that I am not the only one who struggles with these feelings, doubts, questions. Each day I have to choose to thankful with a heart of gratitude. It's not easy.
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